In the Midst of Self
by Chocobahn
Summary: One of those Shinji-in-the-train dream sequence. Please R&R.


Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion, its associated characters and events are copyright Gainax. No profit of any kind are made through the use of these entities. Any resemblance to any other work, either published or otherwise, is purely co-incidental. None of the events described in this work is in any way real.  
  
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Hi.  
  
Hi.  
  
What are you doing?  
  
I'm waiting.  
  
Waiting? Who are you waiting for?  
  
Waiting for you.  
  
Me?  
  
Yes, you.  
  
Why?  
  
Because I need you.  
  
You need me? What for? I'm just a nobody. My father detests me, Asuka wants to beat me, even Rei slapped me in the face. I'm just a loser.  
  
To me, you are everything.  
  
Really? It is nice to know that there are people who think that I am special.  
  
You are special indeed. You justify my existence.  
  
I am that important to you?  
  
Of course you are.  
  
Why?  
  
Because I am you.  
  
I don't quite understand.  
  
You don't need to understand. I am who you are. I am who you want yourself to be.  
  
All I wanted was just to be a normal boy. I wanted to do what a normal 14 years old do.  
  
But you are not normal. You have special ability.  
  
Special ability, huh? Is that why my father called me back to Tokyo-3? Because he needs me?  
  
Yes, because you have a use.  
  
Because I have a use?  
  
Yes, because you can pilot an Eva.  
  
But I don't want to pilot an Eva.  
  
Why not? Are you afraid of being killed by the Angels?  
  
I was, but not any more.  
  
So why don't you like to pilot an Eva?  
  
Because I don't like the smell of LCL.  
  
But you must destroy the Angels.  
  
I will do what they want me to do, but I don't understand why we must fight them.  
  
Are you questioning your duty?  
  
Yes, I am.  
  
Are you questioning your father's orders?  
  
I don't have to listen to him.  
  
But you do.  
  
Yes, I do.  
  
Your father is the only family you have left.  
  
Mother. I wish she was here.  
  
But she was gone. Long gone before you even get to know her.  
  
Yes, but every time I pilot the Eva, I can feel her. The smell is so... familiar.  
  
The smell of LCL?  
  
No, the smell of blood.  
  
Let's go for a ride.  
  
Where to?  
  
Where do you want to go?  
  
I want to go to a place where I do not have to fight the Angels.  
  
Impossible. You cannot hide from them. Why don't you want to fight the Angels? Are you running away again?  
  
No, I am just tired of fighting.  
  
You are running away then.  
  
I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away!  
  
You will fight then.  
  
I... guess. But why? Why the Angels? What have they done?  
  
They are a threat to humanity.  
  
Is that so?  
  
Yes, that is so. You have been chosen to fight the enemies.  
  
But who decided that they are our enemies?  
  
Anything that destroys humanity is an enemy.  
  
No, there is something more than that.  
  
How do you know that? How can you be so sure?  
  
Because, I just know.  
  
You are relying on your instincts?  
  
Yes... No... Maybe. I... don't know.  
  
What don't you know?  
  
I don't know why I am here. I don't know why I kill the Angels. I don't know why I hate my father. I don't know, I just don't know.  
  
You want answers?  
  
Yes, answer me. Help me. Help me, Asuka. Help me! Asuka! Asuka! Answer me, dammit.  
  
No one is answering?  
  
No, just me. [sobbing] Me all alone.  
  
You have no friends?  
  
No, Asuka and Rei are not my friends. They are just... co-pilots.  
  
You don't like them?  
  
It's not like that. They are... more than friends.  
  
Even when Asuka gets mad at you?  
  
I'm... not sure.  
  
Then how do you know?  
  
I... just know.  
  
Relying on your instincts again?  
  
No, Asuka gives me a warm feeling.  
  
Like your mother?  
  
No, Rei gave me that feeling.  
  
You notice?  
  
Yes, the way she dries the towel. My mother did that too.  
  
So who are your friends?  
  
I don't have any friends. I have a phone that doesn't ring.  
  
How about Toji and Kensuke?  
  
Yes, that's right, Toji is my friend. But...  
  
But what?  
  
I hurt him.  
  
You hurt him?  
  
Yes, I hurt him, I saw it with my own eyes. I crushed his entry plug.  
  
You killed him?  
  
No, I didn't. My father made me do it. It was my father's fault! I hate my father! I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't listen.  
  
He has his reasons.  
  
No!! He is just a murderer. He hates me! He wants to kill with my hands. I will not let him do it.  
  
You will run away?  
  
Maybe I should.  
  
But you realise that you will come back. You've always come back.  
  
I am weak.  
  
All humans are weak. That's why they need your protection.  
  
They need me?  
  
Yes, look.  
  
Huh? Where are we?  
  
We are above Antarctica.  
  
Why are we here?  
  
Because I brought you here.  
  
Isn't that...  
  
Yes, that is the Second Impact.  
  
Stop it, people died because of it.  
  
No. It has to be done.  
  
Stop it now. I beg you. Stop it.  
  
You are pathetic.  
  
That's what my father says.  
  
You don't like your father.  
  
No, I don't. I told you before. He made me kill. He used me. He was never sorry about what he has done to me. He never approved of me.  
  
You don't need his approval.  
  
I know that. But it would be nice to be appreciated. It would be nice if someone actually cares about me.  
  
You are weak. You cannot survive on your own.  
  
I can't. [pause.] It's that familiar smell again.  
  
What smell?  
  
My mother's. I only wish she could be here, she would know what to do.  
  
Your rely too much on other people.  
  
I just want to make them happy.  
  
Is that why you always say 'yes'?  
  
Yes.  
  
You don't form your own views. You have no opinion.  
  
I have, but I don't think they are important. I just want to be accepted by other people.  
  
By saying 'yes' all the time? Even though you don't agree with them?  
  
That is the only way.  
  
Asuka was right.  
  
Yes, she was. I only know how to say 'yes'. I thought people want to hear me say 'yes'. That way, people will accept me. Do you not agree?  
  
[Silence.]  
  
Hello?  
  
[Silence.]  
  
I am alone again, even though I have said 'yes'. I don't even agree with myself. How could other agree with me? How could other like me? I am alone, just like I've always had. Just like the beginning. Some things change, and some things always stay the same.  
  
***** THE END *****  
  
Author's Note: Okay, this is as wacky as it will get. Don't ask me how I came up with this. I wasn't drunk or intoxicated, I swear! This is what happens when you've watched too much Evangelion, it starts to mess up your brain. Review it before I rip that S2 engine out of you. Oh, sorry, got to go into Berserker mode first. 


End file.
